Category: Humor
A Day That Will Live in Infamy 2016
Thursday 12/1/16
Sunday 10/30/16
Friday Supplement
Another Tertiary Thing:
Trump is now actively promoting the conspiracy theory that Clinton was given last night’s debate questions in advance
Guess what?
He’s right.
It was obvious Clinton knew all the questions in advance.
BECAUSE NONE OF THEM WERE IN ANY WAY A SURPRISE.
Leaving aside the utterly ludicrous idea Fox News would (even without the clammy groping right wing hand of Roger Ailes) help out HILLARY G*DD*MN*D CLINTON in any way, only somebody so appallingly ignorant of reality as Donald Trump could possibly NOT know what questions were going to come up in last night’s debate.
Let’s review, shall we?
First Question: Supreme Court.
Wow. What a surprise. There is no way Clinton could have seen that one coming and been prepared for it without cheating. No way. I mean when’s the last time you heard anybody talk about the Supreme Court in reference to this election? Amiright? Poor Trump was totally blindsided. Sad!
A subset of the SCOTUS question was the Second Amendment. It’s like that one just came out of the blue. There’s hardly been any discussion of guns or gun violence or crazy people with guns at all in America. No headlines. No NRA statements. The president, congress, crazy enraged Jade-Helm-smoking American Patriots of Patriotic American Patriotism sure haven’t mentioned it. So how would Hillary Clinton be prepared to talk about it? Without cheating, I mean?
A subset of the SCOTUS question was … Abortion? Seriously? Abortion? Roe V Wade? That’s so 1973. It was settled long ago, right? I mean you never hear anybody talking about abortion. Why would the moderator even bring that up? That’s like hoop skirts and Conestoga wagons, who even cares about that stuff anymore? Abortion. Please.
Second Question: Immigration.
Total shocker. Never saw that one coming. Why would a candidate even have any opinion on immigration? Borders? Refugees? Where to they get these crazy questions? Why don’t they ask things Americans care about? You know, stuff that’s in the headlines and like that?
A subtext of this question was Wikileaks and Russian spying. Again, how would a candidate possibly know to prepare for such topics? I mean, come ON, Russian hacking of emails? It might as well have been “Obscure 18th Century Hungarian Beekeepers who Collected Stamps.” I mean who knows that shit? Other than Jeopardy contestants who’ve never even grabbed a … okay, that’s a bad example but I think I’ve made my point here, Clinton MUST have had advance notice. Obviously. So sad.
Another subtopic: Nuclear weapons. And we’re back to Hungarian beekeepers. Nuclear weapons? What is this? A Cold War debate? Sure if you drink enough and squint your eyes Trump does sort of resemble Margaret Thatcher, but goddamn, folks, nuclear weapons? Who cares? What kind of presidential candidate is prepared to talk about nuclear weapons off the cuff? She had to have cheated, Folks. Had to.
Third Question: Jobs
Jobs. Economy. NAFTA. Taxes. Trade. Obamacare. What the hell does ANY of that have to do with anything? It’s all Hungarian beekeeping! When has ANY of that come up during this election? What kind of crazy old lady would bone up on that stuff if she didn’t know in advance liberal Fox News was going to pull a gotcha on Donald Trump?
Sexual shenanigans? Groping and grabbing? Nasty women? Good grief, Folks, I was totally surprised by that. No idea that was going to come up. Crazy! I mean name one election in American history where sex was even mentioned like at all. See? Nobody talks about that kind of thing, it’s like abortion or gay marriage. I mean how would Crooked Hillary be ready for that? Cheater!
I …
What?
OK, I’ll stop.
As I said last night, Trump is that kid who studied for his first period algebra exam by glancing at his scribbled incomplete notes from English class for a frantic ten minutes on the bus on the way to school.
OF COURSE Hillary Clinton knew the questions in advance.
Fox News didn’t have to give Clinton the questions.
Clinton didn’t have to cheat.
EVERYBODY in America who’s been paying even marginal attention knew the questions in advance.
There are naked tribesmen living in the remote stone-age jungles of Mindanao Island who wear those giant dick-spear-sheaths and speak only the Click-Click language who knew what the questions were going to be.
Any halfwit could have predicted the questions last night with a high degree of accuracy. Certainly any competent political campaign debate prep team could have gotten 100% — Clinton’s sure as shit did.
The ONLY person in the room who wasn’t prepared for last night’s debate was Donald Trump.
So of course it looked like magic to him.
I am now officially in awe of Jim Wright (via Richard Barrett on Facebook).
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“The remarks made in this essay do not represent scholarly research. They are intended as topical stimulations for conversation among intelligent and informed people.” (Gerhart Niemeyer)
Wednesday 10/12/16
Saturday, 10/1/16
Friday 9/23/16
The Sunday of The Donald
Sunday we commemorated the Sunday of The Donald, which, God willing, will only be observed once in the Christian era:
16 And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?
17 And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.
18 He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness,
19 Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
20 The young man saith unto him, I will be asking for forgiveness, but hopefully I won’t have to be asking for much forgiveness. As you know, I am Presbyterian and Protestant. I’ve had great relationships and developed even greater relationships with ministers. We have tremendous support from the clergy. I think I will be doing very well during the election with evangelicals and with Christians. What lack I yet?
21 Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.
22 But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.
23 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.
24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
25 When the one heard it, he was exceedingly amazed, saying, “I can fit so many camels through the eye of a needle. I’ve done it many times, and with the best camels, believe me, huge humps.”
26 But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, This man this is impossible.
(Apologies to Bible Gateway; H/T Siobhan Thompson via Unvirtuous Abbey)
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“The remarks made in this essay do not represent scholarly research. They are intended as topical stimulations for conversation among intelligent and informed people.” (Gerhart Niemeyer)
Tipsy Teetotaler ن 